The top definition per Google of the word control is as follows: the power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events. I feel a lack of control on a daily basis and just wanna scream! But after reading this definition maybe I need to tweek my thoughts a little differently.

First off I’m lucky to be alive and do as much as I can to feel alive. I’m out socially in environments that fit my stage of recovery, I mail simple birthday cards to stay connected with others, I show up on time to doctor appointments and I take care of my 17 year old cat. These are things I CAN control.

What I CAN’T control are these 2 darn hernias that apply constant pressure on my stomach. I can’t control my sore back which is now compensating for these hernias. I can’t control skin irritation & bleeding to my stoma from a bag that my skin seemed to be allergic to. I can’t do any heavy lifting, no real physical activity is yet to be allowed. And worst of all, I CAN’T control how soon a surgery that will take them away will come. Harriette (hernias nickname) is driving me 🍌 bananas 🍌 and I hear Gwen Stefani singing it each time I think it. If you don’t know the song just google or iTunes it. 🎶 B-A-N-A-N-A-S 🎶

The healing process is different. That’s more of a frustration. Like last week while out for a lovely dinner for my aunt & uncles birthdays. I made it to the end of dinner but couldn’t stay more than that. The chairs were just not my pal. Lovely chairs but too hard for me at this time. I’ll take a selfie with this chair when I conquer it next year ha ha ha. I was sad tho. My dad drove me home and I shed some tears. Why couldn’t I make it thru. Why did I have to miss the speeches of some of the most amazing people in my life. He was awesome at handling this moment & reminded me I’m doing great. I’ve come a long way as I approach the 5 month mark, and he’s 100% right, but it’s still so frustrating not to have control. I did however control my dress which seemed to be a hit. I bought an inexpensive oversized blue & white polka dot long sleeved dress from H&M. Then took it to a tailor to sinch the waist & make it short sleeved. A Winnie friendly & stylishoutfit was born. A tailor should be everyone’s bff!

I can’t watch videos of cancer people hanging from a rock with one arm saying how strong they are post cancer. I also call bullshit! Most of us who undergo cancer don’t bounce back quickly, nor are we the same, but we do have a better understanding and appreciation of life. No cancer is the same & I’m glad they won, I just think it’s portraying cancer in a wrong way as a whole. And maybe I’m just jealous if I’m being honest. I want so much to do more and just can’t. However it won’t be forever and what I do now is what counts in the now.

Now let’s conclude by interpreting that definition slightly different. Here I am writing my version which could be called influence as I share with you my struggle and my reality. Guess I just had control of your attention to read this blog, my course of events, which is amazing and I thank you 🙏






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For what you've endured and are still enduring, you ARE doing great! I call jack s---t too on the one arm cliff hangers; makes the rest of us feel like we are weak. I got no epiphanies from my ca. I feel I'm the same person that I was before ca that I am right now. And that's good because I liked who I was before dx. I'm sorry about your hernias but hopefully they can be taken care of soon. After all you've been through the surgery for that won't seem bad. Now what about this allergic reaction to Winnie? Do you have a latex allergy?
Kim likes this comment
Yes the adhesive of certain brand of bags doesn’t do well on my skin. So I wear a bag by Marlen that has a diff type of sponge like adhesive. The bag gets wratty like a piling sweater, but otherwise works well. Covers for it are in the making!
Marcia likes this comment
So sorry to hear of your frustration. Yes, there are some that might be "winners" over cancer, but no one person that has ever gone down that path are the same after. Each person and each cancer is different, but each one goes forward having been changed forever.
My main issues going forward besides chronic hip pain is anal incontinence. Although, I have shared many times with family members my "issues" nothing is quite the same as pooping in your swim suit as you are hanging out at the beach with family and their college/highschool kids. It does not seem fair to have to revolve your life over bodily functions, but as frustrated as I get I am so, so glad to be able to complain.
You are doing a great job of living. i know it is hard to have to leave or not even go to family events. Keep on the positive part of what you did do. You are amazing!!
Mary likes this comment
Hi Laura, I so identify with you. Both the hip oain and the incontinence. Why does it happen at the most inconvenient times. I go for ages with nothing, then just when I'm wearing white or my only pair of shorts or I have no spare pants/wipes with me, disaster hits. Still, we cope. Love to you xxx
Carly, Oh do i know what you mean about those %$^& cancer survivors running marathons and hang gliding! mind you I feel like that about marathon runners anyway.
Mine was a different cancer, and it's seven years now. I would say it took about 3 years before I felt on an even keel.This developed gradually. I could cope whenever things were running smoothly but any glitch had me in tearful panic mode. My therapist used to tell me to sit with the panic attacks,and I tried but I hated the physical feeling of them. I do know though that she was right and fighting the lack of control actually makes it worse. I don't know if saying that will make any sense to you.
I used to find quite often that I'd just do something ordinary and then remember how much harder that had been a few months ago (both physical and emotional stuff) so hey! I was getting better, and I guess you'll be finding that too. It really does sound like your heads in the right place.
Someone else commented on the latex allergy.(I once made the mistake of donning a neoprene wet suit, that was fun) I get it too, tell the medics there are alternatives.
Great post, Carly. Than you for sharing. You perked me up. I often feel down but I don't have a stoma bag to contend with. Great you got out for that meal/ Sorry the chairs were so damned hard. xx
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Vital Info


September 23, 2015

Vancouver, Canada

August 16, 1975

Cancer Info

Vulva Cancer

Vulva Cancer

July 4, 2014

Stage 3

3.1 - 4.0 cm


Change in my body

I'm stronger than I thought I was

Hyperbaric Oxygen treatment to help heal wound

BC Cancer Agency

February 16

Pain in vaginal area

I didn’t lose my hair.


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